By the time we reached Tera Mallette’s (she/they) Pussy Palace Oral History Project (PPOHP) interview at the end of May 2021, Alisha Stranges and I had conducted 20 interviews. Prior to Mallette’s interview, we had spoken to mostly cisgender narrators; the trans narrators had transitioned in the years following the scope of our interview. Mallette’s interview was one of two conducted with people that identified as trans at the Pussy Palace event in 2000; both of whom were trans femme. Up until that point, we heard about the Pussy Palace as a trans-inclusive space. While most narrators admitted that the events did not seem to attract many trans patrons, and even less so, trans patrons of colour, they mostly agreed that trans patrons in the space were welcomed and integrated into the community. Those same narrators also seemed to think that transness was rare in the early aughts; the few and far between belonged, though. Cis narrators approached the topic of transness at the Palace with some unsureness, and at times, evident speculation; pausing, looking away, scratching their heads, and apologizing for an old version of themselves that just wasn’t paying attention. The few and far between belonged, I think.

I often wondered about how my presence as an interviewer affected the narrators. I was at the beginning of my medical transition when I began interviewing for the PPOHP. Voice drop and stereotypical white, trans masc aesthetic aside, narrators knew they were talking to a trans person the moment they entered the Zoom call and encountered the “Elio Colavito (they/them)” in my little black toolbar. How did it feel for them to admit that they weren’t paying attention to trans people when talking to a trans person? I felt that even though we couldn’t make eye contact over Zoom, narrators avoided any semblance of an intentional gaze in my direction. These experiences encouraged me to imagine how I might exist in the space if I was a patron of the Pussy Palace. How would these people, uncomfortable now, have related to someone like me back then?

I didn’t expect to be able to fully imagine how I might fit into the space, and I still can’t. However, in trying to get there, Mallette left me with something that I haven’t been able to let go of:

There was a lot of exoticization happening… They [trans men] were really popular. Everyone wanted a piece of a trans guy back then. A lot of people. (1)

When they said it, I felt it deeply; after all, I came of age in the lesbian community. I had grown familiar with the rhythm of the dance between myself and the femmes I dated. The song that played was akin to a karaoke staple. Transitioning was like going up on stage, expecting to perform Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” and hearing The Chicks’ cover start. I knew the lyrics, but I didn’t know the song.

Mallette pinned down exactly what made the song sound so different to me. The familiar rhythm was replaced with fetishizing interruptions. The light and calming opening chords have been replaced with a deep and twangy strumming that feels so alien to me. In the face of such differences, I’m more aware of the lyrics that I know.

I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I’ve built my life around you.

I can no longer hide behind my pre-transition way of being in the world. I can’t find solace in the people and places that I used to.

I took my love and I took it down.

It’s hard to love and trust in the midst of the fear that I can only be the object of exoticized desire.

What if I’m someone that people can only ever want a piece of?

What if, every time I see my new reflection, the landslide brings me down?

Works Cited

1. Tera Mallette interview by Alisha Stranges and Elio Colavito for the LGBTQ Oral History Digital Collaboratory, May 25, 2021, Zoom video recording, The ArQuives: Canada’s LGBTQ2+ Archives, Toronto ON.

Elio Colavito is a PhD student in the Department of History at the University of Toronto, specializing in Sexual Diversity Studies. As a trans non-binary researcher, Elio’s passion lies in archiving and re-telling queer histories in Canada. Currently, Elio serves as the Co-Oral Historian for the Collaboratory’s Pussy Palace Oral History Project.